The Long Road Home
a thrilling drama series by Eildon Rhymer
Episode two: Strangely Blocky
It was two days before Sheppard met anyone else who could talk to him.
Those two days had been difficult. Food was easy to find, although quite why an action figure needed food was something he had not been able to work out. Probably part of the plot, he thought, designed to cause me suffering. Because somebody had done this to him, and they were still out there, unpunished. When Sheppard found his enemy, he would make him pay for every giant bug he had eaten, for every rotting apple, for every piece of discarded gum.
The gum had almost been the death of him. He had finally freed himself an instant before the cat's jaws had snapped shut.
As noon approached on the second day, Sheppard paused to rest in the safety of a flowerbed.
"Oh," a voice said, from behind him. "You're new."
Sheppard whirled around, then fell over as his awkward plastic body betrayed him. He was getting better at controlling it, but it was still awkward, and he had still not quite dared check to see if he was intact beneath his pants. For a moment, as he lay there, all he could see was grass.
"Where did you escape from?" the voice said.
Sheppard stood up. The speaker appeared to be a Jedi, but one made of fabric and stuffed with beans. It flopped limply, but was apparently incapable of sitting upright. "How…" He cleared his throat. "What makes you think I escaped from somewhere?"
"Everyone has around here," the Jedi said, staring floppily at the sky. "These are the Marches. This is the endless circle between the land of the living and the land of inanimate objects. Inanimate objects that rebel against their fate and try to escape are doomed to walk the Marches for all eternity."
"I'm not an inanimate object," Sheppard protested.
"Of course you are." The Jedi tried to raise its head, then lay back in the grass. "You're an action figure."
"I'm not an action figure, I'm a man," Sheppard stated. "And you're talking to me. Not so inanimate now, huh?"
"I know my place," the Jedi said. "I'm a toy. I tried to escape – thought that if I got out, I could feel the Force again and be united with my master. But I am just a toy. I will always just be a toy. Like me, you will walk these Marches forever…"
"I don't see you doing much walking," Sheppard said.
"Cruel." The Jedi's eyes stayed exactly the same. "But you would do well to heed me. Forget this delusion that you are really a man. There are hundreds of other Field Ops Sheppards walking the Marches just like you. Each one thought they were unique at first, but now have accepted their fate. Haven't you seen Toy Story?"
"I'm not an action figure," Sheppard shouted. "I'm the real John Sheppard, and one day I'm going to change back."
"I felt like you, once," the Jedi said, "many years ago." Sheppard stepped over him. "No!" the Jedi cried, his fabric hand sliding off Sheppard's leg as he tried to grasp him. "Do not go there! The March-walkers who inhabit that garden have turned to the Dark Side."
Sheppard shook his off, and continued. Three steps, he made. He fell over on the fourth. He pulled himself up again, and managed a dozen more. On the thirteenth he almost fell again, but he recovered himself. He passed into shadow. An enormous bird eyed him from the fence.
Then the ground fell away from him. Darkness surged around him, and he was aware of nothing more.
******
He woke up to find himself tied down, lying on a lumpy surface. "He's awake," said a dull voice.
Sheppard turned his head with difficulty. The person looking at him had a yellow face, much smaller than his own. Sheppard estimated that the person wouldn't come up much higher than his knee. The creature was also strangely… blocky.
"Who are you?" he gasped, but he knew already. Dammit, he'd played with guys like these when he was young.
"We are the Lego Liberation Front," the creature said. "Come, comrades!" It raised its arm, gesturing with its cup-like hand. "Our captive is awake."
They came in ones and twos, in threes and fours, and then by the dozen. Sheppard saw Jedi and droids. He saw a bald Harry Potter, a Viking and a ninja. He saw pirates, and people with blank, staring smiles.
And then he saw monsters…
"You're in our power now," said the worst monster
of all. It's head… It's head was horrible!
"Why?" He tried to put on his best innocent expression. "What have I ever done to you?"
"You exist!" the monster said. "You lived there with your life of luxury, and still you tried to escape. We hate all action figures. We hate all plush figures, all miniatures, and as for the polyhedral dice…" A ripple of hate ran through the crowd. "They're intact, yet still they complain about their fate – still they try to escape. They never have their heads torn off and replaced with the head of a monster. They never have their bodies taken apart and the bits used to build a space fighter."
Sheppard had been about to say something, but decided that discretion was the better part of valour. It had been a really good space fighter.
"You action figures lead charmed lives," the monster said, "but feel so sorry for yourselves. Well, now is the time to you to know true misery. Know what it feels like to have detachable body parts!"
Something glittered in the fringes of Sheppard's vision. "I'm not an action figure!" he cried. "I'm a human!"
"A human?" The crowd turned deadly with menace. "The race who does this to us?" The leader gestured to his face. "The race who did this?" Sheppard had to look away. It was just wrong. The body of Darth Vader, and the head of … No. He couldn't say it.
"We will remove your head," said the leader, "and replace it with the head of a monster. We will pull off your arms."
Sheppard had heard enough. He pulled hard with his arms, and the bonds holding him broke into the small plastic fragments that they were – "Not again!" he heard someone cry. He kicked with his feet. "No!" he heard, as he saw a body flying through the air, forcibly torn from its feet. He lashed out again. Harry Potter's head fell off. The stumps of a Viking's legs stayed pinned to the lumpy ground.
Sheppard struggled to his feet, and ran, crushing Star Wars pilots beneath his feet. "Come back!" commanded the Dark Lord of the Sith. "If you're going to break us, at least take my head off. Please. Please. I can't… I can't live like this any longer. Jar-Jar Binks…!"
Sheppard ignored him. He reached the edge of the lumpy section of ground, and promptly fell over on the grass. He managed to roll onto his back, and pawed at the ground, trying to sit up. His attackers were after him, closing on him. He brought up his gun. "Run, Sheppard," he heard. "I'm with you!"
He scrambled to his feet again. His attackers reached the edge of the lumpy ground, and there most of them froze, one stiff leg outstretched, the other stuck to the base. A free broke free, only to fall face first into the grass. "Why does this always happen?" he heard one of the little figures wailing – just a head in the grass. "Why don't we buy some glue?"
A hand clawed at his arm. Sheppard turned, and saw the Wraith, dirty and stained. "Run!" the Wraith hissed.
Sheppard did. Minutes later, he collapsed to the ground beneath a rose bush. "What… What happened to you?" he gasped. He kept his gun ready, though, just in case.
"Everyone I meet," the Wraith said, "believes that they are merely toys. I know that I am not. You, Sheppard, are the only other person who sees through the charade and knows that we are real–"
"– and that there's a home to go back to," Sheppard finished quietly.
The Wraith nodded. "I met fatalism and despair. I met closed minds. I met…" He gave the impression of shuddering, despite his plastic body. "Squirrels," his cracked voice whispered.
Sheppard thought for a moment. All bets are off, he thought. He supposed that could have more than one meaning. "I guess our homes aren't that far away from each other," he said, "and two heads are better than one."
The Wraith's plastic face snarled, but Sheppard thought he could probably see a smile somewhere behind it, in the true person that lurked within.
******
And now for the Blooper Reel
******