"Junk mail" by Pellinor, part 1 of 1 ********** DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and its characters are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox, and are borrowed without permission but with no mercenary intent. SUMMARY: Hurry, hurry, hurry! This is your lucky day! You have been specially selected to receive this incredibly exciting offer! Open this story now and you - yes, you! - could.... er.... well, read it, I suppose. BORING SUMMARY: Mulder receives some junk mail. RATING: G CLASSIFICATION: H (or, for the abbreviationally-challenged, Humour.... sorry, Humor.... Humo(u)r?.... COMEDY.) FEED-BACK: Please send (polite) comments to Pellinor at astolat, demon, co, uk ********* Mann, Innes & Browne Inc. Life-style Dynamics Consultants Dear Mr Mulder, DON'T throw this away. This letter could change your life. No! This letter could make sure you _have_ a life. Oh, we don't mean like _that_. You're beyond help in _that_ respect. What we mean is, this letter could save your life. Just think of it, Mr Mulder. No more time spent hovering between life and death in intensive care. No more traumatic visits to your boss's office. No more pesky criminals slipping away at the last minute, leaving you groping around in the dark for your gun, cutting your finger on your smashed torch as you do so. Heaven, isn't it? An unattainable dream, never to be realised? The tempting whispers of a deceiver, trying to con you out of your money? Well, have we got news for you. Just read what some of our satisfied customers have to say. "I thrive on the knife-edge of danger, so I was finding life as an accountant very boring. But then M.I.B. stepped in and now my life has been full of exciting changes." Mr B Hunter "I wish I'd listened to Their wise advice....." Mr DT. "M.I.B. have brought me one step closer to the achievement of my goals. They always say just what I want Them to." Mr CSM Yes, Mr Mulder. We are giving you the chance to be like these happy people. Just think - next month it could be _you_ that's quoted up there with them, sharing your good fortune with others less fortunate than yourself. Our computer has selected you - yes, _you_ - as someone who could benefit from our unique service. All we ask of you at first is that you take the time to fill in the following questionnaire to determine if you really are in need of our help. It will only take a few minutes - less time than you'd lose if a U.... a _meteorite_ flew overhead. Come on, Mr Mulder. What are you waiting for? That genetic mutant can wait. You'll get another chance at him in thirty years, but this.... This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. ____ 1. Your job is under threat. The only person who can protect you is your boss. You meet him in the corridor. Do you:- a Shake his hand politely and ask after his family's health. b Shake his hand with a sly wink and ask about his wife. c Impress him with your devotion to The Book. d Assault him violently in front of witnesses. ___ 2. You have reason to believe a big, strong alien with highly toxic blood is in the area. Do you:- a Go home and watch a nice video (e.g. Bambi) b Go home and (CENSORED) c Alert the authorities. You know they'll always do what is necessary and proper. d Handcuff yourself to him, goad him with questions, and shoot him to release the said toxic blood. ___ 3. A kidnapper and murderer is hiding nearby. Do you:- a Hide. b Do a strip-tease to lure him out. c Adopt a stable firing position behind hard cover and call on the perpetrator to surrender, as in Field Service Manual section 11, paragraph 21. d Stand in full view on the edge of a dock and shout "Hey! Over here!" ___ 4. You believe that a secure facility is concealing classified information vital to an investigation. Do you:- a Knock on the front door with a tray of freshly baked cookies like Mom used to make, and ask if you can come in. b Go to a guard and say "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." c What a question! If the government thought I needed to know it, they'd have told me. d Break in, helped by the local drug addicts, then stand in full view of all the searchlights. ___ 5. You are holding a ruthless assassin at gunpoint. Do you:- d Take a step back, put your gun on the floor, and say "_Please_ talk to me.... Oh, where'd he go?" d Take a step forward, enabling him to kick your gun from your hand and then beat you unconscious. d Beat him to the ground, point his own gun at his head.... and then get shot by your own partner. d Stay still and firm, unwavering, just at the right distance.... and then learn that your bullet will trigger a bomb. ___ So, how did you score? Mostly a's: We hear there's a vacancy on the committee of the Waltons' Appreciation Society. Contact them. Please don't contact us. Mostly b's: We hear on the best of authority that these sex addiction clinics can be quite.... helpful. Mostly c's: I think we could have just the job for you. Er... What sort of cigarettes do you prefer? Mostly d's: Why are you waiting? You're in desperate need of help. Just fill in the enclosed form and send it, along with $29.95, in the pre-addressed envelope, and we'll send you our report as soon as we can. We're sure you'll agree it is the best $29.95 that you've ever spent. ********* Mann, Innes & Browne Inc. Lifestyle Dynamics Consultants Dear Mr Mulder, Thank you for replying so promptly. I have been assigned as your personal Lifestyle Dynamics consultant, and I must say how much I'm looking forward to sharing with you all the helpful tips I learnt from my superiors during my training at.... oh!.... at the place we trained at during training. I'm sorry. I haven't made a very good start, have I? You're my first client and I'm a little nervous. But you mustn't think I'm just a novice who doesn't know anything. I got an A at training school in the module entitled "Learning from mistakes." My teacher was always citing your work to illustrate his points. Anyway, after careful consideration of the videos of your actions obtained by secret surveillance cameras hidden in.... Oh, sorry. I forgot. You haven't found them yet. Forget I said that. Oh, my boss has just come by. He.... sorry, I just had to cough.... He reminded me that you're famous for never doing what you're told and that I was to tailor my comments accordingly, but I've decided I'm going to be honest. I know about trust no- one and all that, but please trust me. I want to help you. RECOMMENDATIONS 1. When I was little boy, my mother used to sew my mittens onto a length of elastic and thread it through the sleeves of my coat. I was talking to her the other night about your problems and she suggested you do the same. Probably not with mittens, although your habit of having adventures in the Arctic suggests you might consider them too. (See enclosed package for some mittens knitted by my mother. The green animal is a fox. She ran out of red wool.) But, anyway, she advises you to tie your gun onto one end of the elastic and your cell phone to the other, so you can never lose them. String is okay, of course, but elastic is better as they always bounce back when you drop them. 2. On a similar theme, she also reminded me how I was always losing my teddy bear as well as my mittens. She solved this by sewing a label to his bottom saying "This is Fluffy, Cyril's friend. Please look after me. I live at...." And then she wrote his address. She suggests you do much the same. Write "My name is Fox. Please take me to the nearest hospital and call my friend Dana on...." and then fill in her number. I think you'll find it will save your boss many bruises trying to locate you through "unofficial channels." Oh, she says you shouldn't try the sewing part, though. 3. Remember, there's no point in having a gun if you're not going to use it - and, no, shooting at white wolves and piles of garbage _doesn't_ count. If you point a gun at someone and shout "hands up" and they ignore you, then _do_ something - and I don't mean putting your gun down and saying, "Oh well, talk to me anyway." But just one little hint here. When a man's holding a girl's face under water, pointing a gun at him and shouting "hold it right there!" isn't a very good move either. It's also helpful to remember that other people aren't as incomp.... as opposed to bloodshed as you are. Other people with guns who make threats _do_ tend to carry them out. And in this context, partners are people too. 4. If you really _are_ red-green colour blind, perhaps you should rethink the wisdom of getting into situations where your life can depend on seeing what colour someone's blood is. 5. I really think you should reconsider this "trust no-one" business. Not everyone is out to get you. And even if they are.... Even the grumpiest of grouches can be charmed by a sunny smile and a happy outlook on life. My mother used to read "Pollyanna" to me when I was little, and the book still speaks to me even today. Speak politely to your boss. Smile at your enemies. At the very least, you'll get the waverers on your side. At best, you will turn your enemies into friends. 6. Er... Women. I.... I think I'll avoid this subject for now. I'm too young to understand those videos. But all I will say is that vampires + razors = hasty retreat. 7. Did you know that you can buy some really cheap bottled water nowadays? My Mom got a leaflet through her door the other day, advertising a new brand. It's got a cat on the label, that's why we liked it. Anyway, I advise you to keep a supply in the refrigerator and drink only that when you're thirsty. It's much safer, and, besides, tastes much better than snow globes and sardine juice. 8. When _everyone_ advises you not to get on a train, please consider believing them. Come to think of it, considering your experience of box cars, avoid trains altogether. Try a nice safe form of transport, like boats.... no.... er..... walking? (But USE THE CROSSWALK!) 9. Write this word out in big letters and pin it over your bed - I mean, your couch. "Back-up". Repeat it before going to sleep. "Back-up." Repeat it as you wake up. "Back-up." Repeat it as you start a case. "Back-up." Call for it. "BACK-UP!" 10........ ********** MEMO: This letter was never sent, and the agent involved has been reassigned. Instead, the client was told - no, advised politely - to carry on just as he always had - that we'd been unable to find anything wrong with his modus operandi. For confirmation of the success of this approach, see box file FM113 (101396-112196), in particular the hospital admissions forms 42 and 43, the lost gun reports 112-119, and the reports from agents 112370 and 040772 who escaped capture by the client in this period. ********** end of "Junk Mail" ********** AUTHOR'S NOTE: Cyril-the-trainee-Them, a.k.a. Fluffy Man, appears as an exile from my last "humour" piece, "The best laid plans....", where he was last seen trying to escape the attentions of a sex-crazed woman and an unhelpful collie dog. He wasn't supposed to be here, but he looked so fluffy I couldn't say no.